is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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