guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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