I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
