if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I puked a lego.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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