90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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