actually, I'm a sock model
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
