if i can run in heels then i can drive
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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