Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
