U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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