I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Pants are for mortals
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
