if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
