apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
