You're completely useless in the revolution.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I just had sex on a roof
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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