Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
