Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize