last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
