Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
