i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
