Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
