I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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