I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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