I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I need to sanitize my soul.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
