Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Randomize
