there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize