Porn is love you can see.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Someone came in the potted fern
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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