My hand turned me down
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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