I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
