Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
