I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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