i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
