I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
