We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
