I am midnight drunk by noon
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
