I have demons in me.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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