I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Randomize
