his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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