Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
my poor anus
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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