but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just gargled with NyQuil
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
