She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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