Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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