so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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