burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
