I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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