birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
