You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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