Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
