You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
