i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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