Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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