We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
