I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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