I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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