can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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