Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
