I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
