you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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